Limericks

As with some other items we have published hundreds of limericks in hard copy format and haven't got round to putting them on this site. Be patient, they will appear in time. Meanwhile, here are a few tasters.

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex live was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than
t
h
i
s
.

When Angelico worked in cerise,
For the angel he painted his neice.
In a heavenly trance
He pulled off her pants,
And erected a fine alter-piece.

While Titian was mixing rose-madder,
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap,
She unbuttoned their flap
And always had plenty to eat.

There was a young lady called Valerie
Who started to count every calory
Said her boss in disgust:
"If you lose half your bust
You'll be worth only half of your salary!"

There once was a dentist named Stone
who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
and my, how his business has grown!

An old maiden who barely did kissing,
Soon discovered what she had been missing.
When laid down on the sod,
She cried out, "Oh, my God!
All these years I just used it for pissing!"

A gardener named Kenneth McDeare
Likes plants more than women, we fear.
"He's hardly perennial."
Say folks who know Kenny well.
"He only comes up once a year"

A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There was a young lady at sea
who said, "God how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
of the captain, the purser, and me."

There was a young lady called Dawn
Who wished she had never been born.
She wouldn't have been
If her father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn.

There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"

The was a young man from Dundee,
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp.
When asked "did it hurt",
He said "No, not a bit,
It can do it again if it wants."

There once was a pious young priest
Who lived almost wholly on yeast
"For", he said, "It's plain,
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started at least"

There was a young lady named Sue
who preferred a stiff drink to a screw
But one leads to the other,
and now she's a mother.
Let this be a lesson to you.

There was on old man from Dunoon
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said "As I eat
Neither fish, fowl nor flesh,
I would otherwise finish too quick.

There was a young lady called Keli,
Who developed a very large penchant
For a Michigan girlie,
Whose pubes were quite absent,
So she sat down and just watched the sunset.