The contents are sufficient for a pie for six persons or twelve small tarts.

Information on a jar of mincemeat.

As a result of the fire drill last week, a number of issues need to be reiterated. Do not stop to collect your coat or belongings, do not return to you desk to collect anything, do not go to the toilet if the alarm is already sounding but evacuate immediately.

E-mail received by Stafford Clerical Medical Investment Group.

The man who is planning to appeal said he would have to have been superman to have urinated over the war memorial. “I was on the other side of the wall and I simply could not have urinated over it. One of my friends, who is a plumber, said even he could not have urinated that far”.

Daily Echo.

Channel 4 9.00pm. Extinct. Documentary about extinct creatures that are now extinct.

The Times TV listings.

Film: The Green Man. Sparkling black comedy. Alastair Sim shines as a professional killer whose efforts to eliminate a pompous politician are hampered by George Cole delightfully cast as a vacuum cleaner.

The Argos (East Sussex) TV listings.

A short sighted racing greyhound which kept coming second because it needed another dog to follow started winning when it was fitted with contact lenses.

The Mail on Sunday.

Sir, recently I telephoned my local council to inform them that a lamp post outside my house was not working. I also informed them that a number of lights in a busier road round the corner from me were also not working. The telephonist asked me to go along the road and take a note of the faulty lamp posts as the engineers only check the lights during daylight hours.

Letter to The Times from Mr B. Willerton.

A surfer bitten in the side by a shark off Australia’s East Coast has survived but said he would not have been able to swim to safety if the shark had bitten his arm off.

Sent in from Cheshire.

The attacker was wearing a bobble hat without a bobble.

Wiltshire Police
Issued requesting public assistance.

These toilets are locked from dusk until early morning. In case of an emergency ring 643707218

Sign on public lavatory in Minehead.

A man who tried to swallow heroin that was found between his buttocks in a police search has been sent to prison for three years. A jury had previously cleared the man of a similar charge relating to crack cocaine.

Nottingham Evening Post.

Our new class 375 trains which we have invested in to replace slam door trains on many Connex routes are now being tested. The air conditioned trains are making test journeys between Ramsgate and Gillingham in gaps between normal Connex services. This testing must be carried out to iron out any safety or technical issues and make sure the trains are ready to carry passengers before they can start their 200,000 mile endurance test.

Connex in-house Magazine.

We are seeking enthusiastic individuals who have good communication skills and enjoy working as part of a team to join us. You’ll also need a good sense of humour.

Advertisement for a death notification clerk.

CID officers in Durham may soon be issued with yellow baseball caps to make undercover officers more easily identifiable.

Newcastle Evening Chronicle.

Thank you for printing our letter regarding hedgehog awareness week in the Northwich Chronicle dated April 25th. However, there was a rather unfortunate error in our name. As you can see, we are the British Hedgehog Preservation Society and you printed British Hedgehog Prevention Society.

Northwich Chronicle.

The Times.

A wine of great finesse with a spicy complex pulit and a bint of sweet knickers. Serve chilled as an aperitif or to accompany lightly spiced tools.

Cathort Tremena Wine label.

Horse lover Rachel Hunter spends three months of the year in Epping Forest where she divides her time between her studs and her husband.

Telegraph Magazine.

In the vanguard of the fight against obesity Boots the Chemist has a promotion to encourage sales of its low calorie ‘Shaper’ sandwich range. The reward for each sandwich bought is a bar of chocolate.

The Guardian.