Groundsperson wanted. Enthusiastic and dynamic person with chainsaw and poison certificate required for holiday estate on The Lizard peninsular.

Western Morning News.

Members of the Golden Lotus sect in Provence regard their founder, Golbert Baudin as the cosmoplanetary messiah, believing that he will be resurrected from his grave in Castellan near Cannes. The local authority has done its best to thwart such an occurrence by covering it in reinforced concrete.

Daily Telegraph.

The publisher and printer would like to apologise for a minor error that occurred during the printing process. Due to a bug in the software system that is used to prepare the book for printing. The word ‘translate’ is used as a word of command in the software system and has become ‘pop-pop’ in the book. The text for example on page 28 reads ‘We then examined some of the ways in which these values are pop-popped into political principles’.

The Bookseller.

18th century cottage on private estate, four-poster bed, 5 star rated, sleeps six.

The Spectator.

Last week’s column mistakenly misidentified a source. The European Commission President is Romano Prodi and not Buffy the vampire slayer.

Prague Post.

Local paper.

WPC Romilly told the court that Harrington’s car, which had been crawling along Cecil Road, stopped beside her. The nearside window was lowered and Harrington leaned across and asked her whether she was in business. She produced her warrant card and informed him that she was a police officer to which he replied “Fantastic!”.

Lancashire Evening Post.

The Oregon State department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers to take extra precaution and be on the alert for bears while in the Trucki, Kirkwood and Josephite areas. They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. People should be able to recognise the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings. Black Bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly Bear droppings have little bells in them and smell of pepper.

(from Chipping Sodbury).

Forty parishoners spent longer than usual at prayer on Sunday when two guard dogs trained to recognise only twenty people and bite anyone else stationed themselves outside a church. The Reverand Peter Chickens’ sermon had included a reference to Daniel entering the lion’s den but when the service was over his congregation preferred not to tackle the Rottweiller and Mastiff roaming the church yard. “They were more ferocious than the lions” Mr. Chickens said. James Bowleaves, 75, a choristor, was bitten on his buttocks on his way into church. He said “I could hardly sit down but I sang the hymns”.

Daily Telegraph.

I am about to be tried by twelve people too stupid to get out of Jury Service.

Graffitto in Old Bailey lavatories.

Thank you to Geoff Dungate for his help in erecting four new Neighbourhood Watch signs around the village. These replace the signs that had been stolen.

Nutfield Advertiser.

A Bradford based catering company is leading the field when it comes to revolutionising hospital meals. Medina Foods, working with Bradford Royal Infirmary, now has Chefs paying patients fortnightly visits to get their feedback.

‘This is Bradford’ newspage on the internet.

A black and white cat was found outside the newsagent’s shop at the beginning of October but, despite enquiries, the owner has not been found. My husband has now buried the cat in our garden.

Northiam Parish Magazine.

The Dursleys’ furniture had to be utterly horrible of course. I found a lot of it in Watford.

Interview with Set Director on the Harry Potter Film.

It should have been the perfect spy but the CIA’s attempt to use a surgically altered cat as a covert bugging device fell at the first hurdle when it was run over by a taxi.

Guard Dogs keep a flock at prayer. Forty parishoners spent longer than usual at prayer on Sunday when two guard dogs trained to recognise only twenty people and bite anyone else stationed themselves outside a church. The Reverand Peter Chickens’ sermon had included a reference to Daniel entering the lion’s den but when the service was over his congregation preferred not to tackle the Rottweiller and Mastiff roaming the church yard. “They were more ferocious than the lions” Mr. Chickens said. James Bowleaves, 75, a choristor, was bitten on his buttocks on his way into church. He said “I could hardly sit down but I sang the hymns”.

Daily Telegraph.

A suspected burglar stole the camera that was used to take his picture at a police station. Since no one spotted this, plasterer Michael Wells, 35, was then given a lift part of the way home to Kings Lynn by a constable. The camera was only discovered when he was caught trying to steal a van to take him the rest of the way home.

Sunday Times.