More Problems on the Railways but it’s good to see that Scotrail has a sense of humour. A customer writes:

Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I’m tired of standing in the aisle on the fourteen mile trip. The transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A.C.

Dear Sir,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service. The only mode of transportation 2000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Scotrail.

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones confused in your history. If you will refer to the bible, The Book of David, 9th chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your trains for the last two years.

Sent in from Angus, Scotland.

Acommodation on three floors includes a lower ground floor with kitchen and toilet seating about 24.

The West Briton.

St. Albans planning committee has instructed officers to look at redevelopment opportunities for the sight currently occupied by the Police Station, Magistrates’ Court, the Health Centre and the Quaker burial ground. All the current occupants are said to be considering moving elsewhere.

St. Albans Review.

Electrician required varied work must be qualified and conscious.

Derby Evening Telegraph.

Schoolboy footballers in Stalybridge last Saturday watched in amazement as the ball, which was kicked forty feet into the air and was expected to soar over nearby houses, struck a passing seagull and bounced into the back of the net.

Daily Telegraph.

Touch up with a warm iron on the backside.

Jacket care label.

A wooden rowing boat was stolen from a property in East Molesey on Sunday. Thieves took the boat from a house which backs onto the River Mole. It’s not clear how they made their getaway.

Molesey News and Mail.

A spokesman for Truro cathedral said there’d been no noticeable drop in the annual visitors’ figure. The cathedral has a policy of encouraging all-comers to use its lavatories in the hope that something might rub off.

Church Times website.

Rats are becoming a problem in Swindon with house building on new estates thought to be responsible for forcing the rodents further towards the town centre. Council leader Sue Bates has asked officers to bring a report on the issue to a ratification meeting.

Swindon Star.

Restaurant Review.

Lost at the Coigach Gathering: stainless steel vacuum flask used for collecting faeces samples. May have been mistaken for hot drinks flask.

Ullapool News.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar a Zimbabwean bus driver found the twenty mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his error, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone in the queue a free lift. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital telling the staff the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for three days.

Mensa Magazine.

Our worthy President recently had a very BIG BIRTHDAY accompanied by all the usual accessories of such a thing including a strange erection in her garden on the morning in question. In true W.I. style she rose above this and took it in her usual casual style.

Hessenford W.I.

Men and women from the Putney Town Rowing Club have shed their inhibitions for the latest bid in a series of nude calendars for charity. Most of the black and white pictures, six males and six females, were taken by club member Anthony Cake. He said “The hardest part was when I realised that I had to appear in the calendar myself in a coxless four.”

Daily Mail.