Bridget Bardot shared her bed with a donkey when half of France would have killed to do the same.

Hampstead & Highgate Express.

The clerk is to make contact with the block Dog Warden concerning dog fondling on the footpath.

Feering Parish Magazine.

Jobless Mark Gail was homeless and hungry when he succumbed to temptation and stole band equipment worth £2000, his solicitor told magistrates. A guitar, an amplifier and two speakers were stolen. He was in dire straits at the time.

Oxford Mail.

Overweight mother of three Michelle Spong is expected home today after a successful operation to staple her stomach in a drastic attempt to help her lose half her body weight. Mr Spong praised his wife’s courage, “It took a lot of guts to do what she’s done”.

Melton Times.

Brazil: dog owner Anna De Sylva is suing a pet shop for compensation alleging her pooch Snowy got pregnant there. Shop owner Eduardo Andonini denies responsibility.

Oxford Mail.

At Ikea we want you to be able to put your hand on everything without putting it too far in your pocket.

Ikea Catalogue.

Drumfield Advertiser.

After his cat got stuck in a tree a minister from South Africa mounted a rescue operation. He climbed a ladder as far as he could, tied one end of a rope to the narrow trunk, then tied the other end to his car bumper. As he drove forward the inevitable happened. The rope broke catapulting the moggy into space. A couple of weeks later the minister was in the supermarket when he saw one of his church members buying cat food. “I didn’t know you had a cat”. “Minister, it’s quite a miracle really but two weeks ago I was having a picnic on the lawn with my daughter. ‘Mummy, I’d love to have a cat’ she said. I said to her ‘You’ll have to ask Jesus for one’. At that very moment this cat came flying through the air, landed on the lawn and has stayed with us ever since”.

Parish Magazine.

A Kenyan poacher who crept up on an elephant and began milking it was badly injured when it discovered what he was doing.

Daily Telegraph.

A postman was trapped inside a large letter box for half an hour after a great wind blew the door shut. He was discovered after a shocked pensioner put a letter in the box at Wrexham and a hand came out to take it.

Daily Telegraph.

The Sun.

He [Robson Greene] was appalled when asked to pose for publicity photos in classic builder mode, “They wanted us holding hammers and showing our bums. It’s not what the show is about”. So, it’s been a shoot with long delays, are the cracks beginning to show?

Radio Times.

In 1988 a company was set up by two religious congregations to educate prostitutes and provide them with an alternative to earning a living by working the streets. However Sister Thérèse says the girls are extremely good at finding their own positions once they have been given a leg up.

Irish Independent.

A husband and wife pulled guns on each other and shot it out in church at a marriage counselling session after he arrived late drinking a beer. Both were wounded. “It’s a good thing he had been drinking because he could have hit her more” said the Rev. Bud Searsey, head of the New Creation Ministries which runs the counselling sessions, “He was a lousy shot”.

Arizona Daily Star.

Spin Shot. Hold the yo-yo on plam and throw it downwards strenuously. Face plam downward for a while after throw yo-yo and keep it spin. It’ll be retracted when lifted up a bit off the wrist.
Doggy Stroll. To touch down yo-yo on floor bed gently while it spin quickly and make run on floor.
! CAUTION to a protector read it carefully.
Do not overhaul neither to throw.
Do not roll up with the string gn your neck.
Replace the string before getting old.

Instructions for ‘Disc’ yo-yo.

In Germany meanwhile delegates have come together for the first International Liars Congress held over three days in Berlin. The congress was the brainchild of lifelong liar Helmut Stank, 45, who wanted to provide a forum for those who simply can’t tell the truth. From the outset, however, the problem ran into problems. “I sent out 2000 invitations” explained Mr. Stank “But most of the people didn’t believe them so we only had 12 acceptances of which four were hoaxes”. The eight delegates that did attend found they had nowhere to stay because Mr Stank had lied about finding accommodation, whilst a Greek delegate left after the first day claiming his mother had died which turned out to be completely untrue. A lecture by Helmut Kohl turned out to be a damp squib when the latter turned out to be a meat packer from Hamburg rather than the German Chancellor. “The whole thing was a huge success” lied Mr. Stank, whose real name is Verner Schmidt.

Big Issue.

Cardiff police are worried that 68 rifles and shotguns stolen from a city warehouse may end up in the hands of criminals.

South Wales Gazette.

One bedroom second top floor flat. Entrance hall, lounge, kitchen, bathroom, W.C. No chain.

Small advertisement, Brighton.

Lady Hawkin School at Kington welcomed a new headmaster this term. He’s a local preacher in the Methodist Church and enjoys outdoor pursuits and Young Farmers in his spare time.

Hereford Times.

A local primary school has been described by an OFSTED inspector as the best school he’s seen in 20 years. The children have recently been given a wildlife haven consisting of seats, a pond and a bog where the children can go and sit quietly.

Stroud News and Journal.

Pine mirror and cycle trailer and assorted Rotavator spares. Exchange for 12 metres of 10mm twin earth cable or assorted vases or stainless steel champagne buckets.

Small advertisement, Derbyshire.

4000 members of the Territorial Army have invaded the Borders for what is believed to be the largest reservist exercise in Scotland since 1945. Among them was trooper Sandy Orton, 18, who fired live rounds on the target range then cleaned her SA80 assault rifle with other members of the Leicestershire and Derbyshire Yeomanry.

Daily Telegraph.

Police in the Black Country were left speechless by a forgetful pensioner who asked for their help after losing his car. The unnamed elderly man had parked in Stourbridge but could not remember where, nor the make, model or registration. Police found an MOT certificate on him and the constable toured the area with him. They found a car bearing the registration but he was adamant that it was not his. Meanwhile back at the Police Station a national check revealed that the car was a Toyota. Realising that it might be his car after all the pensioner was overwhelmed with joy and profusely thanked both officers. He then climbed into their patrol car and tried to drive away in it.

Birmingham Evening Mail.

Viscount Cranbourne said “I have two Tamworth sows and a Large Black sow called Black Beauty which my wife gave me for Christmas. She’s an excellent specimen and recently came third in the Bath and West show”.

The Times.

The acrimonious dispute which reduced Heathrow to chaos yesterday took a dramatic twist last night. British Airways revealed that 500 new recruits are being trained to take over from striking cabin staff and a further 2000 are waiting in the wings.

Daily Mail.

Lady Arran, when asked why she was going back to power boat racing at the age of 79: “The nice thing about the sea is that anything can happen. I’ve seen a bit of rough and been turned over once or twice and it was great fun”.

The Times.

Italian bank robber Ernesto Truffi burst into a bank, seized a boy from the queue and dragged him screaming to the counter, tugging his ears and threatening worse damage unless staff handed over all their money, which they duly did. Mr. Truffi and the boy then rushed from the bank together whereupon it emerged the boy was not a boy at all but a midget accomplice who had been in on the scam from the start. The pair have since been arrested. “He was a convincing child” admitted one eyewitness “Apart from the moustache and tattoos”.

Big Issue.

Bedding plants: water newly planted bedding and protect them from sluts.

Rye & Battle Observer.

There will be a pot luck supper in Chagford Church Hall next Thursday followed by prayer and medication.

Chagford Parish News.