Mumps: treatment is to rest in bed and take mind pain killers if necessary. If the sufferer has swollen testicles, severe pain, a stiff neck or is sensitive to light, a doctor should be killed.

A-Z of Health.

The Budapest police denied reports that Mice are invading the Gioskowsky Utsa police building as earlier reported. The nation’s epidemeological chief inspected the building and said that there was only one mouse was responsible for eating five bullet-proof vests in a wooden box. As a result the police do not need the fourteen cats that the population offered.

Budapest Sun.

When a one-armed man was interviewed after an accident in Barnsley, police discovered that he had been driving for sixteen years, steering with his knees when he needed to change gear. He had crashed while on his way to an arcade to play the one-armed bandits.

Daily Express.

Asked why he had taken the weather vane Maudsley told the court that he had climbed up on the church roof looking for lead but there wasn’t any. He continued “If I came home empy-handed in the middle of the night, the wife would have thought I was up to no good”.

Lancashire Evening Post.

One bedroomed flat to let. £67 per wee including water.

Cambrian News.

Demolition experts are ridiculing a bill of thirty million pounds to tear down the millenium dome. Gem and Tony Gregory said the safest and cheapest form of demolition would be to use a controlled implosion. The dome is an ideal position for such a method. There would be no need to remove the public.

Construction News.

If any passenger has cause for complaint against a taxi driver then they should contactact the Hackney Carnage Licencing Office.

The Guardian.

Burglars who found a bag of powder during a break-in in Chadwell Heath, Essex, thought it was Cocaine, and tried to snort the contents. The bag marked ‘Charlie’ did not contain a drug but the ashes of a dead dog. The owner, Eve Lythe, said “It was horrible knowing they were in my house but the idea of them trying to get high on a dog certainly made me feel a bit better”.

Romford Recorder.

For instant maid service hang on your knob.

Notice in Bangkok Hotel.

The blossoming of Ffion has been building up all week at the Bournemouth conference. On Tuesday she watched her husband perform his question and answer session in a grey tweed suit and black stilletto heals.

Daily Mail.

Investigators are trying to determine the cause of a blaze that swept through a fire extinguisher factory in Greater Manchester.

Manchester Evening News.

Pete Hewins, 37, an angler from Gothenburg, Sweden, was taken to court for spanking his wife with a live eel. The court found him guilty and fined him £100 for cruelty to the eel.

The Independent.

We are about to experience some turbulence. I advise all passengers to return to their seats and fasten their seat belts. If you have to use the lavatory you may but on your own heads be it.

Announcement on British Airways flight from Marakesh to Gatwick.