A naked man was seen near Berwick railway station on Monday. Berwick police had received unconfirmed reports of as many as 12 naked men at the station. It was thought they were members of a coach party.

Berwick Advertiser.

Members of the Pennine Young Farmers Club attended their first meeting of the season at Gaythorne Hall where Stephen Lord showed members around the farm and the hairy man’s hole.

Cumberland and Westmoreland Herald.

Faded writing hidden in a roof of a 90 year old oriental shrine baffled staff at a country park. The black brushstrokes on the building in Tatton Park’s Japanese garden were assumed to be poetry or a prayer. So when a top Japanese horticulturist arrived to advise on restoration work Head Gardener Sam Eude asked if he could translate the strokes. The horticulturist revealed they contained the message ‘Slide tab A into slot B’.

Daily Telegraph.

If I ever feel inclined to marry again I shall find a woman I don’t like and buy her a house.

H L Menkin.

Outside doors are to be fitted at a toilet block on Ilkley Moor, Yorkshire, to stop sheep from using it.

The Grauniad.

Remember objects in the mirror are actually behind you

Sign seen in US of a helmet mounted motorcycle mirror.

It’s my best hospital stay ever says 85 year old Freda Zacherach from Stamford Hill, who is recovering from a fractured leg after meeting the Queen.

Hackney Gazette.

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is to visit parts of the country damaged by floods. He’ll go to Shrewsbury, Bewdley and Tewkesbury. People in Worcester have been told to prepare for the worst.

BBC R3.

Buckinghamshire Advertiser.

A motorist who was asked to take a breathalyser test tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb the alcohol in his blood. The 18 year old driver was spotted weaving down the highway and after being arrested tore the crutch out of his pants and attempted to eat them. A group of schoolchildren observing the case in court had to leave the room unable to stop laughing as the testimony was read out.

Worthing Advertiser.

Chads are being incorporated into jewellery, cufflinks, earrings and brooches, and offered for sale on the internet. They are collectively called ‘The Election Selection’ and Florida residents are being offered a 15% discount but only if they fill in the order form correctly the first time.

News item on BBC R4.

Reflexologist Daniel Morton advises everyone to spend at least half an hour every day in the ‘Starfish’ configuration, flat on their backs with arms outstretched and legs apart. He says proudly that it works for the Duchess of York and it will work for you.

People Magazine.