Advice for marathon runners: a dehydrated runner will end up going nowhere fast. This can be the cumulative effect of drinking too little. A simple way to test if you’re drinking enough is to check the colour of your urine. Please do this in private.

Marathon News Official Programme.

As a recent patient of the Urology Department I would like to express my sincere thanks to the wonderful staff. The treatment I received was exemplary and no doubt contributed to my early discharge.

Letter in Brighton Argus.

Lawyers for wild man star Lemmy have furiously complained about a story in last week’s Sunday People about his sex life which told how the 55 year old Motorhead rocker handcuffed his lover to the bed for a three day sex and bondage session. Mr Lemmy’s lawyer said “It was not three days and she was not handcuffed to the bed. It was seven days and she was hung from the ceiling.” We apologise unreservedly to Mr. Lemmy for any damage to his reputation.

Sunday People.

6th. June: Catherine Putz will be discussing reclining nude Frank Dobson.

Programme of lunchtime talks at the Corteaux Art Gallery.

As part of the City’s summer millennium festival, Luciano Pavarrotti will star in a gaga performance of Falstaff.

Los Angeles Times.

The final session of the Lent course on Sloth has been postponed.

Church Service Sheet.

Transcript of radio conversation between a US Naval Ship and Canadians off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
USS Lincoln: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
USS Lincoln: This is the Captain of a Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
USS Lincoln: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE USA ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Release by Chief of Naval Operations (US).

On Monday 10th April the children are presenting ‘JC2000’ depicting the life of Christ through drama and mucus.

St. Mary’s Church, Hadleigh, newsletter.

A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile the man filed a claim against the Insurance Company stating that the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The Insurance Company refused to pay citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and won. In delivering the ruling the Judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the Company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the Insurance Company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of arson.

American Magazine.