American court room language is as strange as our own. Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyer Journal printed a list of questions actually asked of witnesses by lawyers during trials.
Q Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn’t know it until the next morning?
Q Did he kill you?
Q How many times have you committed suicide?
Q You were not shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

A Bristol woman was fined £100 and ordered to pay costs after she broke off part of a plaster replica of Michaelangelo’s ‘David’, which adorns the Trattoria Fiorontina in Park Row. Mrs. Elizabeth Morton, conducting her own defence told the court that she had felt uncomfortable sitting so close to the nude statue but that when she asked for another table the waiter had laughed and done something suggestive with a bread stick.

Western Daily Mail.

Gloucestershire Echo.

A condom machine in the Grinch Café in Manchester contains lager and lime flavoured condoms. A warning reads ‘don’t drive whilst using the product’.

Manchester Evening News

The two smugglers could not wriggle out of their subterfuge when customs officers in Texas noticed mysterious writhing bulges in their underpants. They were made to drop their trousers. Stuffed in their Y-fronts were a mass of rare snakes they had illegally brought from Mexico. One of the snakes was a Boa Constrictor but fortunately it was not in their underwear. Prosecutor Robert Dugdale told a Los Angeles court ‘Boa Constrictors squeeze’.

(Abingdon)

Gold Line Upholstery Ltd require an experienced upholsterer to cover the London and Kent area.

Buckingham Star.

A post office raider who left behind his written list of what to do during the hold up has been gaoled for six years. His crib sheet in the exercise book read as follows: 9.00am hit, 3 mins, lock door, tie up, back room, safe, till.
He told the jury there was an innocent explanation for his raiding list. He said hit means ‘horse in Timberscombe, 3 mins was actually 3 miles, lock door meant the doors of his home in Ireland, tie up meant tie up the dog at home in Ireland, back room meant check it at home, safe meant make the house safe and till meant he owed the till of his local in County Kerry for two pints.

Somerset County Gazette.

The alarm on a red sports car parked in Paddington had been keeping residents awake for hours. The owner was traced and the enforcement team gave him a call. It was an out-of-town number. A drowsy voice answered. The man was somewhat puzzled. It was his wife’s car and she was supposed to be visiting friends in Folkestone - or so she had made a special point of telling him on several occasions. The team explained that they might have to break into the car. After a moment’s silence, the man replied that they could crush it if they wanted.

Evening Standard.

What Abersauch and Aberdaren have in neatness and style Pwhelli makes up for in at least having a history being granted a charter by the Black Ponce in 1355.

Beautiful Wales.

Hampshire based hopeless romantic male, 44, seeks similar lady. Likes long distance walks, theology, classical music and cooking my dog.

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