An off-licence has apologised after a young mum fell ill because a bottle of her favourite tipple was four years past its ‘Best before’ date. Tara Mann said ‘I can have anything wrong with me but I can’t handle being sick. It makes me ill’.

Welwyn Garden City Herald.

The great soprano ended her recital with a touching rendition of that charming Richard Rogers ballad ‘People Will Say We’re in Hove’.

Horse Talk magazine.

Sir, I have just received a letter bearing one of the new ‘Dracula’ stamps. The stamp has been franked with the message ‘Blood Donors are always needed’.

letter in Irish Times.

Many over-react to a disaster at the hairdressers but Costos Pune of New York took things calmly when the barber overdid his highlights, turned his afro peroxide white and gave him a bald patch. Mr. Pune did not even bother to complain. He simply kidnapped the barber, shaved his head, painted it silver and then for his Coup-de-Gras glued him to his shop window.

Focus Magazine (The Guardian)

It is advisory to be two people during assembly.

Instruction sheet for IKEA floor lamp.

When magistrates arrived at Bradford’s No. 1 Court they were faced with an embarrasing problem. The door leading from the cells into the dock was jammed and no one could open it. The police tried and the court caretaker tried, but the lock would not turn. Eventually Tom Wall, 45, a defendent on a drunk and disorderly charge came to the rescue. He kicked the door open and the court started proceedings ten minutes later.

Yorkshire Post.

Islands Artificial Insemination Services: there will be no artificial insemination service on Lewis and Harris next week due to personal circumstances.

Stornoway Gazette.

The Universities Federation for Animal Welfare is appealing to people to post it dead Song Thrushes for use in an investigation into the decline of the species.

The Times.

HMS Gannet will hold an open day behind Brodick Castle on Saturday. A Sea-King helicopter will land and members of the public will be able to speak to the crew and inspect their equipment.

Arran Banner.

Parachute only used once, didn’t open, small stain. £100.

Small Ad.