Bristol is the largest single conurbation with the highest risk profile in terms of being close to two fairly old rectors.

Environmental Health News.

Cries for help from a man clad only in his underpants and stranded on an island in the middle of a gravel pit at South Hickenham were ignored because householders thought it was an escaped peacock.

Lincolnshire Echo.

Historians who have spent the last eight years trying to identify a grave in Evercreek Church marked only with the initials H. W. P. have called off the hunt. They have discovered that the stone marks the route of the church’s hot water pipe.

Daily Telegraph.

At one time this young man was using half a pint of glue a day, but his girlfriend, whom he intends to marry, has stuck by him.

West Lothian Courier.

According to his 39 year old wife Christine, Trevor visited Pam in hospital after saying he was going fishing, but Christine was suspicious because his tackle never got wet.

Daily Mirror.

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled ‘For the Sick’ is for monetary donations only.

Churchtown Parish Magazine.

Arrigans of Penrith for prams, pushchairs, cots and accessories. Free baby starter pack with every purchase.

Advertisement in The Cumbrian Gazette.

Brother Paul sends New Year’s greetings from his Peruvian mission, where he has discovered a problem-solving formula which he is using to combat violence and loneliness. Meanwhile, as youngsters are taking the floor, parents are laying them.

Sainsbury’s Magazine.

A naked man stunned staff and customers by robbing a bank in Miami, Florida. A female cashier who got a good look was unable to describe his face.

News of the World.

The most frightening fact about AIDS is that it can be spread by normal sex between men and women. Fortunately this is still rare in Scotland.

Sunday Mail.