Confusion and mystery surrounds the whereabouts of your melonballer. Throw off your mantle of gloom. Don’t be too trusting of your local newsagent. He might try and palm off an Irish 10p piece onto you in your change. Should malevolent luck strike in this direction life must be viewed with serenity rather than alarm.

A younger brother who you thought you lost 12 years ago during a game of sardines turns up unexpectedly in a cupboard. Decline a chance to visit a Crafts Museum at your peril. Your partner remarks on the love-bites down your neck but divorce/seperation worries are eased when you say that you fell into the office franking machine.

Tense silences will follow when you fart at a terrifying rate while queuing for a leg of lamb. You begin to suspect that the kitchen lady in the canteen of your school, college or workplace has fallen in love with you because she starts wearing more and more revealing nylon aprons and solicits sexual favours from you in exchange for large amounts of mash.

Be careful about wearing that waterproof coat with the pixie-hood. People tend to put their litter in it when you are not looking (and how often do you look at it when you are wearing it?). Peeling potatoes needs a certain amount of caution this month. Seldom have you been in such need of a nice picnic blanket.

Family rows will end in smiles after a sudden involuntary fart. Everything will fit into place this month except your diaphragm which will keep on popping out and hitting people in the forehead. If you discover there is a vacuum in your life, use it. Oral sex is very much to the fore, although a peeping Tom may make a nuisance of himself.

Music is in the air in the coming weeks. It is your three-chime doorbell and an official from the Jobcentre checking up on you to see if you’re really looking for work or just dossing about doing bugger-all. You suddenly realise that the cabbage you thought you were in love with is a brussel sprout, which only adds to the acute depression that you have been suffering from for some time.

Love enters your life in the shape of a sexy registered plumber who never admits defeat when it comes to limescale. An experience with a Christian youth group will lead to you eschewing alcohol and tobacco and being converted to milky coffee and garibaldi biscuits. On Friday you can afford to spoil yourself and curtail profitless self-analysis because you will die of a massive embolism during Grandstand on Saturday.

Now is the time to make it clear to friends and family members what an over-rated vegetable you think the aubergine is, but don’t labour the point. Plane travel will lead to you being arrested for gross indecency when, practising emergency landing procedure, you put your head between somebody else’s knees. This is the time to put the record straight and own up about that stain.

A motorised pogo stick will prove the wonder cure to the constipation threatening to erode the quality of your life. Now is the perfect time if you are planning to put the world to rights. You may feel a compulsion to spark off a civil uprising or workers’ revolution regardless of your lack of experience and clean shirts. Added to which you will have romantic links with a girl who studies the flute.

A phone call will lead you on a long goose chase, which will tire you out but will be worth it as the goose will become a life-long friend. Mid-month will see a chance for you to join a queue. Don’t waste this great opportunity to display your considerable talents. Your instinct lets you down and you lose all your money on the toss of a coin.

A decision to buy a packet of contraceptives proves rash and ill-considered. Your melancholy will lift at the sight of a taut, athletic bottom. You will find the person you have been looking for all your life to share your underwear drawer with. Count your blessings as well as your knickers, they might start wearing them.

A visit to the lavatory sometime between the 3-7th of next month will remain in your memory forever. It is wise to protect your long term financial security. Become incredibly mean and refuse to buy people drinks. In the last resort get up and hit your head on an overhead beam. Nobody will expect a drink from someone haemorrhaging.