You feel you are getting close to accomplishing what you set out to do but are only deluding yourself. Remember progress is neither swift nor easy and you aren’t very talented or particularly bright. The odds are stacked against you and no amount of hard slog will get you anywhere. It is best to give up your search for fulfilment. You’re one of nature’s losers. So make an effort to give up completely on life and don’t be so bloody optimistic. Get into a ‘I hate everyone and everything’ mood.

You will tell a close friend to feck off, realise it was a tactless thing to do and hate yourself for it. Don’t be afraid to use, manipulate and exploit people but don’t expect them to thank you. You will spot an old face in the crowd but you won’t know who it is because it’s merely an old person whom you’ve never met.

The realisation that evil and pain predominate in the world causes you to become rather antisocial over the next few weeks and reluctant to leave your sitting room. A close friend will be puzzled by your ability to enjoy Eastenders without the use of any recognised sense organs. You can look forward to a really exciting time ahead for your meat carving which comes on in leaps and bounds, especially with roast shoulder of lamb.

You are in a helpful mood and willing to pass things to people when they ask you to. At work you are busy filing and pleased with your efforts. In order to minimise stomach upsets this month you should avoid soft rind cheeses as well as shellfish. Around the 12th a build-up of unsightly smegma makes your life temporarily intolerable.

A small boy hits you over the head with a bicycle chain in a supermarket which leads you to think long and hard about queue-jumping again. Your washing machine floods, your drains overflow and your lavatory cistern jams. An accident with a lever arch file will result in permanent disfigurement, the break up of your relationship and your voice going up an octave.

Fate seems to go out of her way to frustrate you. Nothing turns out as planned. The support, sympathy and understanding of friends is essential if you are ever going to be able to cope with the growth rate of hair on your lover’s forearms. After drinking too much you become convinced you are a butterfly and tell all your friends you are in love with a cabbage.

Don’t be too hard on yourself or feel the need to apologise if you are unable to name the capital of Malawi. Try to become resigned to your shortcomings and if anyone makes hurtful or unpleasant remarks don’t be afraid to head-butt them. Thinking that it is an illegal drug, you will start to believe that cooking with oregano improves some of your casserole dishes, although incredibly it makes them even worse.

Horrific zits will develop after an unfortunate mix-up over your family members’ respective facecloths. Try to cut down on those who bother you with their problems and difficulties. A good friend will overstep the mark whilst playing darts but it will pay you to be broad-minded and ignore this indiscretion. Guard against nasal congestion as best you can.

A disagreement ending in a scene will occur over salad dressing but don’t overdramatise the incident or be too hard on yourself. You are a headstrong person and drive a hard bargain. Stick to your guns. People will respect you for it. If you feel uptight, drink large quantities of alcohol and you will become so relaxed that you will be able to convince people to agree with you.

You will open a tin of sardines in one go and without spilling a single drop of oil, but you will not receive the acclaim you deserve. While sulking you will lose all your hair in an horrendous chip-pan fire but it will make you a better person and lead to the discovery of a new set of values.

Your love of talking about yourself leads to you attending lots of job interviews despite the fact that you no longer want a job. That old rash will start playing up again. A visit to the lavatory will fall well short of your expectations but try to hide your disappointment. Take care on the 8th if you do not want to get into a dead-end relationship

If you are making a white sauce, the consistency will be hard to achieve but try to remain optimistic and level headed. You will be intrigued by something someone says about nougat but too shy to ask for a further explanation. Internal bleeding and violent body spasms will follow a carton of irradiated strawberries and make you hard to live with.