Mental Health professionals today released the results of an industry-wide five-year study, revealing that people who seek counselling for their mental health problems are actually worse off than those who never get help, and instead rely on the traditional methods of drugs, alcohol, and killing sprees to manage their stress and interpersonal problems.

"Seeking a psychiatrist still has a negative stigma that premeditated murder simply doesn't," explained Dr. Pat Smeer, author of Why Ask Me?, "It can take years for traditional cognitive therapy to help a patient, whereas running amok with an illegal handgun enjoys a sense of immediate gratification. Also, getting time off work and the endless forms to fill out can be overwhelming. In our society, it's simply better, and easier, to be a conscienceless sociopath."

One insider who asked not to be named (but who is actually Dr. Stanley Bumboil, PhD), said, "Think of it this way; how likely are you to get a life insurance policy if you've been taking anti-depressants? No way! They'll cross you right off the list. However, a stint or two in prison for murder won't make Mutual Life blink a bit!"

Ron Maudlin, a former depressed person now serving 25 years to life in a Shropshire prison, agrees. "I tried Prozac along with weekly sessions with a therapist and endured the sniggers and knowing glances of my co-workers for years. But I only felt worse. Then one day I just snapped and stabbed my boss 87 times with a mechanical pencil. I never felt better in my whole life! Now I have the respect I always lacked."

Sociopaths, once called pyschopaths, have enjoyed recent popularity in the media. Films such as "Silence of the Lambs" and "Hannibal" have cast the sociopathic killer as a sexy, intelligent hero out having exciting adventures. Little wonder the average neurotic depressive yearns to change his diagnosis for one more satisfying and, ultimately, socially acceptable.

"People, even my family, got tired of my whining," says Steve Lamsdon, certified public accountant and diagnosed depressant. "I could see it in their glazed-over eyes whenever I would start to talk about my progress in therapy. Well, all that changed when I pulled out my brand-new uzi and started firing, let me tell you!"

The Mental Health Association wishes to make it clear that they do not endorse the acquisition of firearms for the purpose of random killings in fast-food restaurants, post offices, or bell towers.