by our reporter who can't play the virginals, Denim Sue.
A dragon came to the small Welsh village of Llanddofurffaddas yesterday, threatening to burn their houses and steal all their crops. A meeting was hastily arranged on the outskirts of the village, for fear that stray sparks might well ignite the whole community.
Walking towards the dragon, Jones the Law, Chairman of the Parish Council, said to Jones the Learning, the Parish Clerk, who was accompanying him to the meeting "Couldn't we gather a force to defend the village from this fiery monster?"
"Gather it from where?" replied the clerk.
"What's the matter with all the young people here? Can't they defend us?"
"Too busy with their sheep, they need a lot of looking after"
"No they don't"
"Well, they spend a lot of time up there"
"What on earth are they doing then?"
"Don't ask."
After lengthy discussions, during the course of which the dragon suggested a variety of alternatives, finally they came to the agreement that the dragon would not steal the crops and livestock or burn the houses in return for which the dragon would visit the village twice a year and take a virgin to lunch.
Jones the Learning, trying to explain the result of the meeting to a group of villagers said "We really had no choice. Without anyone in the village prepared to help we had no bargaining power at all. We had to accede to his demands."
In the local pub, 'The Wizened Sheep Fancier', reaction was varied. Jones the Grocery, whilst concerned that the dragon might burn the crops, although there was always local wholesalers to stock his general store, was a bit more concerned about burning sheep as the government had done that some time ago, and couldn't understand what on earth the dragon would do with their homes once he had stolen them. Rather smugly, Jones the Milk responded that he wasn't worried about the agreement as he only had sons, until Jones the Death pointed out that sons can be virgins too. At this point Jones the Milk uttered a small cry and rapidly left in a panic.
Jones the Coal remarked "He's been reading too many fairy stories". Jones the Bread in reflected mood expressed his thought that nobody could do anything about it anyway. He then began to speculate why the dragon would only settle for virgins. "Do they taste better," he mused, "saltier, sweeter, more juicy, perhaps? And does he savour them slowly or gulp them down?"
On my third pint of 'Sheep Fancier's Woolly Willie Warmer', I rather lost track of who was who, especially after Jones the Drugs tried to sit on my lap. The conversation continued and I have tried to record it as faithfully as my memory will permit.
"There's no way we can get rid of him. His thick scales protect him so much. What we need is some brave knight to come along and slay him for us." reflected Jones the Fruit and Veg.
"He'd melt his armour."
"Seven Samurai might have a better chance."
"Oh and where are you going to get seven samurai in Wales?"
"Poke his eyes out"
"Try it and you'll be sorry"
"No, not yours, the dragon's"
"What with?"
"A pointed stick of course"
"It would have to be a pretty long stick"
"He'd burn it."
"Not if were made of metal"
"Then it wouldn't be a stick"
"It'd still melt"
"If he ate enough virgins he may become too fat too fly, that would make it a bit easier."
"Oh and how many virgins are you prepared to let him barbecue to do that?"
"What if there weren't any virgins in the village?"
"Wouldn't that be breaking our agreement?"
"No, we didn't say we'd supply a virgin, he simply said he'd invite one every six months."
"You mean we send them all away? We couldn't afford it."
"We don't have to send them away, just ensure that they are no longer virgins."
"How do you do that?"
"Don't be bloody silly."
"That's all right then, just leave it to me" said Jones the Organ.
Leaving the bounds of the alcohol purveying establishment, swaying only slightly, I came across three charming young ladies from the village. One of the trio, whom I shall refer to as Cerys Jones, although her real name is Raglan Jones, gabbling garrulously in Welsh, which was roughly translated into English by her sister, whom I shall refer to as Raglan Jones, although her real name is Megan Jones, said "I'm dead scared of dragons. You would be too if you were still a virgin round here. I'm not yet prepared to be eaten.
"I'm not naive, I've heard all the songs and seen those films with explicit scenes in them, I've even played shepherd and milkmaid with some of the boys and heard about those women with their Pink Toy jackrabbits."
At this point Cerys and Raglan's other sister, whom I shall refer to as Megan Jones, although she is really Cerys Jones took over the translation.
"Quite honestly it doesn't matter to me whether or not I am tastier, I just don't want to be instantly grilled by the dragon's fire leaving just a grease spot or two behind. If I am to be eaten I'd rather be eaten by some young lusty lad. So that is why I am looking for some man to bed me and relieve me of my maidenhead. It seems to me that being deflowered may well be rather better than being eaten by the dragon."
Cerys, Raglan and Megan (who of course are really Raglan, Megan and Cerys) are all the daughters of Jones the Something-or-other.
