THE CHILDREN

here are a vast numbers of daughters and two sons, all now of age. Most of them incline to the dysfunctional in one way or another, and all except one now use the surname Rattley-Gore-Smythe. None of them showed must interest in marrying or leaving home except Gonoria, the youngest, who spends most of her time in the village, until Tarquin and Aneemia left together.

Gervase, the elder of the two sons is named traditionally after his father, and is a huge disappointment to him; he is weak, and possesses just about every trait opposite to that which his father would have liked. He doesn’t, and never has, shown the slightest interest in women, but is close to his friend Kenneth. Tarquin, the younger son, is twin to Aneemia. He is ethereal, his father can’t understand him and inclines to the view that he is mad, but has tried not to draw attention to it as he would lose face if his son was carted away. With his twin, he has moved to live in Suffolk in the recently inherited house of his friend Lord Colquhoun, the heir to a Dukedom.

Not all of the daughters are oversize as claimed by their father, but he cannot remember them all anyway. He thinks there are at least nine. They are all probably sexually repressed but demonstrate it in different ways. Norsia is the eldest, ample and dim. Boleemia is the only positively underweight daughter; perpetually ill, a ‘Vera’ from Giles cartoons; not anorexic, but an hypochondriac; hardly ever seen as usually in bed in her room surrounded by bottles of pills and tonics. Vajeinia: also usually in bed but surreptitiously and for other reasons. Basically she is seeking the affection which she has never had.

The most intellectual of the daughters, Ekscreeta now lives during the week in a flat in Knightsbridge, which she shares with her friend Veronica. She is largish, clumsy, enthusiastic, energetic, excitable and garrulous. This often gives the impression that she is stupid which she is not. She works for a London publishing company in the subscription department, but would like to become a journalist.

Katertoenia is partial to gin and is in turn voluble and somnolent. Before leaving Aneemia tended to waft phantom-like around the Towers, as unnerving to her father as her twin Tarquin, with whom she has moved to Tarquin’s friends house. Highperthermia is in a semi-permanent state of undress and Halucinogeenia in one of trance-like meditation. The youngest daughter is Gonoria, lesbian feminist, highly politicised, who insists on using the surname Smith. She spends little time at Crapulent Towers, staying in the village with her friend Alice who once worked as a domestic there. The Baron tries to put her out of his mind.