4, Poacher Cottages,
Malnover Bottoms,
Northamptonshire.

I'll come straight to the point, I'm pregnant. I don't know how it happened, I mean you know how religious I am with my calendar and temperature charts. I can't possibly have it, it would probably be born deformed or stupid or have CJD or something. I thought you might have some idea of what I should do, you're in London and must know people who would be discreet.

Please don't breathe a word to anybody else about this, I don't want it coming out, I mean Tarquin and I could go to prison or something, couldn't we? I realise I am already condemned to Hell, but I don't think I could face prison with all those nasty butch women warders, not to mention the other inmates.

Anee.

7A Scarsdale Villas,
South Kensington,
London. SW7

I'm so glad you wrote. Knowing you, you have been prevaricating far too long already. Don't panic, I am sure we can sort this thing out. How many times have I warned you about not relying on your bloody 'rhythm' methods? You know they're not reliable, you're not going to any more Hell for using a sensible contraceptive are you? I shouldn't worry about the CJD, you only get that from mad cows, not silly cows even if they are having sex with their twin brother.

As you know I am the soul of discretion and I haven't told anyone, except my flatmate Veronica of course, well I had to discuss it with somebody. Oh, and I told Gonny too, well she knows all about these things and she does all that kind of thing for her womens' charities or whatever they are.

Look, the best thing you can do is come up and stay for the weekend and I'll get Gonny up here as well. You'll have to double up with Veronica, I think I can fight off Gonny rather better than you. I don't suppose you have much money as neither of you are working. Pater still gives me an allowance on top of what I earn, but South Ken. is expensive as you know. I might be able to spare a couple of hundred and Gonny might have some, although she's always giving her money away to her causes. I've no idea but I imagine we shall need at least a couple of grand.

Can you think of an excuse to ask for more from Pater? Or there's always our grandmother, she's got a few quid. Have you seen her lately? I saw her last time I went home and she's beginning to smell. What is she now? 86? I suppose at that age everyone smells. The prospect of getting older isn't really one that appeals to me.

There is another alternative. Could you find some bloke to say he's the father? Then you could have the baby, after all it may turn out all right, you never know. As long as when it grows up you marry it off to someone outside the family everything might be all right. Provided it is not born hermaphrodite. Do you remember the song we used to listen to when we were young 'I crave to be an hermaphrodite' by Three Times a Day? I never thought that you could have human hermaphrodites until I read an article in the National Geographic. The pictures were quite odd I must say.

Anyway Anee dear, please don't worry. Come to London on the weekend and I'm sure everything will turn out all right in the end.

Eky.

I wonder if you could let me have one of your spare hams. I rather fancy some. Of course, it's not the same as when we produced our own and smoked them down at the Home Farm.

When Ekscreeta came down last weekend as you know she came down here to see me. Young people generally only come to see me nowadays when they want something. She has asked me to lend her £2,000, but says it is for Aneemia. Have you or Gervase already refused to lend her the money? Do you know why she should be asking on behalf of her sister? Aneemia has not even come back to Chugley Harvard apart from a couple of days at Christmas since she moved to that dreadfully unfashionable county of Northamptonshire. I wonder if you would come and see me sometime tomorrow and discuss the matter. I told Ekscreeta I would let her know in a couple of days.

There is no hurry for you to send Shattlidge back, but please wrap the ham up securely as I think we are in for a thunderstorm.

Elizabeth.