Dear Irma,
I am in an OK relationship, but I’ve fallen for someone else. The trouble is I’m sure he’s gay. I’m in turmoil and my boyfriend senses it which means more fights than usual. I’d risk everything I have for the other guy if he were straight. If he is gay, could I convert him.

Aggie Pratt says: You obviously use ‘OK’ in a sense I haven’t come across before. In your present relationship fights are a regular feature and you’ve fallen for someone else for whom you’d risk everything you have (which doesn’t seem to be very much as far as I can see). My advice to you young lady — you obviously are a very young lady or else incredibly immature — is to finish your present relationship before you do anything else. Then you can approach this other man. If he is homosexual of course you can’t convert him you ignorant little bint, it’s not a religion, but you can spend your time alone wisely by learning something before you embark on further disastrous relationships.

Dear Miriam,
I have suffered for years from an embarrassing itch around my anus. Although I try not to scratch it, sometimes it drives me so crazy I can’t help myself.
The other day when we were on the bus, my grandson caught me having a sneaky scratch and shouted out: “Look, Grandma’s playing with her bottom.”
My daughter said I should see the doctor but I’d prefer to treat myself. Have you any suggestions?

Aggie Pratt says: Yes. Despite being of a certain age and consequently repressed and ashamed of your nether regions as you obviously are, I’m assuming you do know what haemorrhoids are and that they are not your problem. If I am wrong you can easily get cream from any chemist, but you’ll have to ask for it.
You are not alone in life in having an itchy bottom and the sensible thing to do if it itches occasionally is to scratch it without embarrassment. But as you have been suffering this complaint for years it is obviously high time you did something about it. You really have two options here: either go and see your doctor (he/she will have met this sort of thing before and most doctors are familiar with all parts of the anatomy) or suffer with your condition, in which case shut up about it and continue to scratch for your remaining days.
Lastly I should throttle your grandson at the earliest opportunity.