Dear Vanessa,
My wife has recently become very religious and won’t have sex with me on Sundays. What should I do?

Aggie Pratt replies: Your wife deserves a rest at least one day a week. Why not think positively and take this opportunity to see your mistress on a regular basis. Far better than the snatched half hour quickies between work and home or between picking the children up and buying the takeaway, and in the latter case will save you the embarrassment of explaining why your six year old son is sitting in the driving seat.

Dear Clare,
My wife keeps leaving me for other men and then coming back pleading for forgiveness when the man abandons her. How can I get her to leave me permanently?

Aggie Pratt replies: Your wife is obviously the most tolerant and forgiving of ladies otherwise she wouldn’t keep coming back to the boring asshole that you obviously are. She deserves better than you. Just because her lovers abandon her is no reason for you to do likewise, you should devote your life to being there for her and do try to be less boring. But if you insist try putting all your dirty socks in her underwear draw.

Dear Dr. John,
All the boyfriends in my life so far have deceived me and been seeing other women when not with me, which I have only discovered when it is too late. This is now affecting my work. I simply want a lifetime relationship with one man who will be loyal to me. I am now 48, what am I doing wrong?

Aggie Pratt replies: You should have written to me years ago when, if I had had time to reply, I could have advised you and your life might not be the morass that it now obviously is. You are a very gullible person and tend to fall in love on initial appearances. You also have appalling judgement. It’s a wonder you can sustain a job let alone a relationship. As far as the future is concerned I should give up. No matter how you daub yourself with cosmetics your neck will remain wrinkled and you can’t do much about your sagging breasts. Be reconciled: either you continue your life as you are until you become too unseemly or you can make a stance now and reconcile yourself to being lonely for the rest of your life.

Dear Julia,
I am a single parent and my daughter seems to be making all the mistakes I did at her age. What can I do to help her?

Aggie Pratt replies: Nothing. She’ll learn when it’s too late just as you did.